My Wife Was Right

    A couple of weeks ago, my wife told me I was miserable all the time.  Her comment made me angry.  At the end of the day we would ask each other, "How was your day?"  and I would answer with honesty. It wasn't my fault that the days had been difficult recently.  I felt like she was denying my true feelings and telling me that she didn't want to hear how I felt.  I felt completely shut down.
    Out of anger, I decided I would take the passive aggressive approach. I dreamed up a way to annoy the crap out of her.  Whenever she asked about my day, my feelings, my thoughts, I would exaggerate how great things had been.  "I'm doing great."  "Things are wonderful."  "Nothing is wrong."  I was a pretty good actor in High School, I was born to play this role.  And, I succeeded.  I  annoyed the crap out of her.  She'd ask, I'd respond, she'd roll her eyes.  It was not one of my finer moments in family communication.
    But two other things began to happen.  First,  I started to review the past few months of my life and had to be honest that Lori was right.  I was making choices to be miserable.  I knew the end of the day question was coming and I was trying to win an implicit contest--who's had the worst day.  I was fixating on the negative.  I was telling myself that I was helpless in the face of the problems I encountered, incompetent, resigned to my fate, and powerless.    By winning "Who's had the worst day" competition, I was losing.  I was losing my joy and losing happiness with my family. 
    People very close to us really were having the worst days of their lives.  In some ways, I was internalizing their grief or anxiety.  That sounds noble.  But it's really not.  We cannot absorb another person's sorrow the way a paper towel absorbs a spill.  It doesn't work that way.  My choice to be miserable wasn't helping. 
    The other thing that happened took me completely by surprise.  The more I faked being happy, the happier I actually felt.  About a year ago, Amy Cuddy delivered a TED Talk that reported  findings of research about the impact of power poses on people's body chemistry.  She studid body posture and hormones and found that standing like your confident actually raises the hormones related to confidence.  Toward the end of the talk she simply said "Fake it till you become it."  I certainly saw that beginning to take shape as I "faked" acting happy. 
    I wrote Lori a text a couple of Sundays ago that said, "'Fake it till you make it' is going to sound fake at the beginning."  It was a pretty lame attempt at an apology and an admission that she was right all rolled up together.  Since then we've had a couple of open, face-to-face conversations which is a much better way to communicate.
    So, my wife was right about me.  I hate to admit that. No, I mean.  I love admitting that.  It's the most wonderful thing in the world.  It's awesome when my wife offers and insightful observations about my tendencies to focus on the negative.  I love it. It's wonderful.  My wife was right, Again.