At most weddings, I as the minister, usually feel like little more than decoration. Don't laugh, robed-up I make pretty good eye-candy. I use a fairly stable wedding liturgy. I make the same jokes at almost every rehearsal. I usually say basically the same thing during the homily. I have written a unique and intentional homily for a wedding maybe three or four times. And if you're reading this and I performed your wedding ceremony, rest assured you were one of the three or four. This morning I was pleased to preside at the wedding of a young couple I'm fond of. I got inspired. This is as honest as I've ever tried to be in a wedding homily. God's blessings on them.
I’m
sure the two of you have heard that 9 am really is pretty early to be getting
married. A few people have asked me "what was the bride thinking getting
married that early." I've been thinking,
"what better way to start the day?"
Marriage is a choice you make on a daily basis. It’s not a ceremony, it’s not a piece of
paper, it’s not a set of rings, it’s not even shared last names or shared
living space. Marriage is a choice. Each
morning when you wake up it’s a choice.
The
choice to be married is a choice to be intimate. I don’t just mean physical intimacy—though
that’s an important part of marriage. I
mean emotional intimacy. There are
feelings you will have that you are now meant to share with each other
first. There are some things you are
meant to share only with each other.
Faithfulness in marriage depends on how well the two of you protect the
intimacy you share and who well you are vulnerable with one another in those
moments of intimacy. The daily choice is the choice is the choice
to maintain that connection, that exclusive connection. In old wedding liturgies we used to use the
phrase “forsaking all others.” Which
translated into everyday speech means, “James, from this day forward other than
God there’s no one more important in your life than Andrea” and “Andrea, other
than God there’s no one in your life more important than James.” And the quality of your marriage will depend
on how well you remember that on a daily basis.
This kind of intimacy doesn’t mean you spend every waking
moment together for the rest of your lives.
Some young couples think that they are going to be glued to each other’s
side 24/7 365. For some people, that
works . . . very few. Healthy
interdependence relies on mutual independence.
Each of you will need alone time.
You will need time with friends.
You will continue to nurture family ties. You will continue to have hobbies, interests,
jobs and tasks that you must do alone or with other people. You will find as your marriage unfolds that
these times away from each other can make the marriage stronger as you bring
wisdom and energy from those experiences back to your time together.
Trust
is a key to those away times. Not just
that trusting the other person won’t do something stupid in your absence. That’s not really trust just wishful thinking. Trust is when you are able to look at each
other and say—I will treasure the experiences you have without me as much as I
treasure the experience you have with me.
I want you to succeed in my absence as much as I want you to succeed in
my presence. I hope you find as much joy
in life in the time we are away from each other as you find when we are
together. Some days will be together
days and some days will apart days. The
daily choice to be married is to see both together time and away time as equally beautiful,
important parts of the marriage.
James
and Andrea I’m sure someone has taken it upon themselves to tell you that
you’re too young to get married. Please
don’t take that personally. We say that
to everyone. A few years ago I performed
the wedding ceremony of a woman in her seventies and a man in his eighties—two
of the wisest and best people I’ve ever known--even they were too young to get
married. There is quite simply no way
for two people who aren’t married to each other to adequately prepare to be married. Each marriage is unique so you really can’t
get ready to be married by learning from other marriages. Each of you is one of a kind and so nothing
else could prepare you to be married to this one of a kind person other than
being married to this one of a kind person.
Which is the nice way of saying, “you’re going to make mistakes.” Show each other grace. Show yourselves
grace. You’re going to make mistakes.
I
know, it’s hard to imagine. This person
standing next you, dressed up so nice, so beautiful, so handsome, how could
they ever do or saying anything at all that wouldn’t be perfect? It’s true.
You probably have found that one person who is as close to perfect as
has ever walked the face of this planet.
But close to perfect ain’t perfect.
You’re going to make mistakes.
Which means you’re going to have to forgive each other and forgive
yourselves. Forgiveness is not
excuse. There are things we have to
excuse in marriage—body odor, forgetting to put things back where they belong,
giving away the ending to a movie you’ve not seen yet. These are things you’ll need to excuse not
forgive—that you let go without accountability.
But there will be things you must forgive. And when you forgive you are not saying that
an injurious behavior is acceptable.
Rather you are saying that the injurious behavior will not be
punished. There is no way for a husband
or wife to hurt his or her spouse and help themselves at the same time. When a husband or wife forgives an offense they
do so with this underlying meaning—that they want the hurtful behavior never to
be repeated again not only for their own sake but for the wholeness of their
spouse. Forgiveness is about healing the
relationship not excusing. And that’s
something that takes time to understand which is why we say, “you’re too young
to get married.” Give yourself time to grow into this marriage.
But
these are the daily choices you will make.
The choice to be intimate, the choice to trust, the choice to
forgive. And sure, you could wait until
late in the day to make that choice but why?
Why not make that choice the first thing in the day. You chose to make getting married the first
thing you did today. That’s a good
start. I pray that’s the first decision
you make every morning from now on.
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