Never Offend Anyone Ever Again

There’s a formula I have seen used in one too many blog posts.  It goes something like this:  “I have a friend who was going through [Insert difficult life experience.  Could also be chronic challenge].  Someone tried to reach out with them, but made the following mistakes [insert list of clichés which ought not have been used but were].  I’m sure that the person was trying to be helpful, but they weren’t.  And I know because I’m so much better at this kind of thing than everyone else.  You shouldn’t do these things.  They aren’t helpful.”  There are variations on the theme, but you get the idea.  I have a few hunches about these kinds of blog posts.  First hunch: they’re amount to a public scolding of a specific person.  Second hunch:  it’s not what the person said that bugs the blogger as much as the person themselves.  I have found that different people can say the exact same thing to someone and it’s received differently.  One person can say, “How are you really doing?” and it feels like emotional voyeurism.  Another person can ask, “How are you really doing?” and it feels like a welcome opportunity to be vulnerable.  I think it has less to with the question and more to do with how the questioned feels about the questioner.
My problem with these kings of blog post, however, is that they feed disconnection more than they feed connection.  Many people avoid those who are hurting because they’ve heard too many stories about people who tried and failed.  I see a parallel behavior in people who don’t introduce themselves to others at church because they did and were embarrassed to find out that the person they were introducing themselves to had actually been members of the church for some 20 years or something like that.  The complaints about someone trying to help and making mistakes don’t help people avoid making mistakes they simply help people avoid helping.
  There’s one very simple, sure-fire way to never make a mistake when trying to talk to people who are hurting:  don’t talk to people who are hurting.  If you choose to care and choose to act out of caring, you will make mistakes.  You will make yourself the target of a hurting persons misplaced anger.  You will over-reach.  You’ll stick your foot in your mouth.  If you give a damn sometimes you’ll hit a dam sometimes.  Show yourself the same grace you’re trying to show someone else.  Show the same grace to everyone else that you desire for yourself.